Do I even need to dignify that with a response?
I had initially thought to collaboratively write on this blog site with my good friend “The Other Jennie” thinking it would be fun and good for the occasional laugh. I tend to be snarky and sarcastic under my breath and behind a keyboard. I have been getting laughs for years on my social media blog posts. The lack of posts on this site for the last year have been a combination of my being busy (living my real life off the internet) and the lack of material.
It really is the same 4 emails over and over.
1) I have about a dozen emails from users that I never replied to that deleted their profiles in less than 3 days
2) a handful of emails that just contain the word “hi” (or the real wordsmiths that add the word “beautiful” to that greeting),
3) the teenagers and early 20’s that want an older woman to take them to bed (sorry, I threw up in my mouth as I wrote that)
4) the heartfelt 3 paragraph email with no punctuation, no capitalization and horrible grammar that smacks of English not being their first language that laments on and on about finding their soulmate, that “special someone”, the one that completes them, it is so important to be best friends first…. it reads like a bad transcript of every Harlequin novel from the early 1980’s (and I read a lot of those, so trust me when I know I am reading a pile of crap). I promise you this is nothing more than a scam from somewhere in Nigeria and isn’t worth my reading more than the first 4 word as soon as I identify the lack of punctuation and capitalization.
My point is for more than the last 3 years I have had the same 3 emails over and over from multiple accounts. Nothing new, nothing different, I am drowning in a sea of wondering if the free dating site profile is worth the time. I really only have it up now at this point hoping that I might get some new material for this blog. It’s not easy meeting people with the work that I do and the busy life I live. I’m spending most of my time right now focusing on my kids and counting the days until they are off to college.
The reality of being a single mom of a certain age is I am going to be single for a long time more, and I’m good with that.
As the late, great Charlie Bradbury would say, “Peace out bitches!” 🙂
“You’re beautiful! Can I text you sometime?”
OK, points given for punctuation and correct use of the word “You’re”…
Points given for the transparent compliment…
Points lost for the transparent compliment…
And the rest of the points are gone for asking for sexting without thinking I am going to see right through your guise of “Can I text you sometime?” when I know you are a 5 hour drive from where I live and the time stamp showed it was sent an an hour when most people are sleeping.
If you want to sext with somebody flat out ask, a lot of girls are down with that. The weak, transparent pick up line is the equivalent of being at a bar at last call and drunkenly slurring “Hey beautiful, want to get lucky?”, only not as straight forward. Do us both a favor, either go to a bar, or straight up admit that you are horny and wanting a little collaboration for the spank bank.
Seriously. If your basic English skills are not at least on the level of a 3rd grader you kind of deserve whatever you get… Unless English is not your first language, then you get a pass, but OMG some of these profiles are just painful to look at…
Today’s winner – The problem I have is that this profile reads like a second grade child saw too many John Hughes movies and then wrote a profile for his daddy. Proof reading, Spell Check and a friend to read it for you should be the triple crown standard.
Guys, no woman is going to believe a profile that waxes on about love and best friends. When a woman is craving that kind of schmaltz we will pick up a smutty romance “novel”. Be honest, but don’t be “too” honest. If you love sunset walks on the beach and cry every time you watch the movie Ghost, that is awesome, but let us discover that about you in person. I love a man that has a romantic soul, but this profile screams “trying toooooooo hard and desperate” to me.
Well, either that or it’s another Nigerian scam profile…
Buckle up kids, this might be a bumpy ride…
I feel im a good man with a lot of love to give. I believe it’s ok to be friends first in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with getting to know someone. I enjoy talking to different people. Love can be found anywhere, even in the strangest places, if you’re open-minded enough to let love find you… I’d like a good woman in my life, so that we can experience happiness together.
What I’m doing with my life
Growing & changing into the man my parents want me to be, striving to better myself.
I’m really good at
Listening, appreciating people,being there for my friends & love one’s if I can help.
The first things people usually notice about me
Im a positive person & thinker. I get along well with people. Polite & respectful.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like exciting fiction & romance novels. Im into good action movies. TV, Surviver, latenite shows . Music, R&B,.Jazz. Food, bbq, seafood, pasta & health food.
The six things I could never do without
Family, real friends, God, my Mother & Father, Grandma!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How im a individual who spends a great deal of his time wondering why he’s not happier. I have found that the only thing that does bring me some form of happiness, is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.
On a typical Friday night I am
Relaxing, reading a nice book. Talking to family members, catching up.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Anytime I watch a sad, heartfelt, or sentimental movie, I cry like a baby. I inherited that side of me from my mom. Thanks.”
Agent 867 approves this.
This was it.
The expectant tension was building in our awkward phone conversation to an almost unbearable degree. I felt myself struggling to regulate my breath and appear nonchalant. He struggled for words, a way to open the door, for the very first time to anyone.
His fear became so present, it felt like we may shatter when he finally found the words.
My brother is gay.
When he finally told me, a few months from graduating high school in the spring of 2004, every single bad, derogatory, judgemental comment I had ever heard about gay people played out in my memory. We did not grow up in a home where bigotry and hateful speech was ever uttered. But we grew up mormon. A place where they talked about the sin of homosexuality. A place where t.v. shows like Ellen, or Will and Grace were considered immoral and inappropriate. Where…
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My Facebook profile is locked up tight. If you find and stalk me all you will find out is that I am female and widowed. I woke up to this gem in my inbox this morning. The time stamp is 2:55 AM. Let me tell you something about messages that are sent between the hours of 11 PM and 5 AM, the chances are high that the person sending the email is either drunk, high, or not in your country of origin. (Or they work the night shift and are bored and Facebooking from their smart phone… but what are the chances of that?)
And Dear Nelson, if you have two pet dogs I sure hope to god they live with you!! Unless of course, your ex-wife got them in the divorce, and if she is that nasty and spiteful, well that’s more drama than I want to deal with anyway! Not to mention the fact that Austin, TEXAS is a hella long ways from Cali (YES, I’m from So Cal, and yes I say “hella”). I have lots of friends all over the country and the world. I even have friends in Texas. But random emails was not how our friendships started. Maybe you need to stop getting drunk and emailing random people on websites asking to be friends. Or maybe, just maybe, you need to find another form of employment in Nigeria that does not involve wasting my time 🙂
Agent 867 ❤
“Hi,I am Nelson from Austin Texas.I came across your profile,You caught my attention.I want to be your friend.Distance do not matter in friendship/relationship.I have two pet dogs who live with me but Life is lonely to live alone or without having someone to talk with.i will write more and tell you about my self and send you more of my pictures when you write back to me.God bless you. Regards Nelson”
Well it’s been a while, but I haven’t had much inspiration or fodder to share of late… I was actually so disappointed that I haven’t checked my account in forever. I found this gem waiting in my inbox on 4/9, it was sent on 4/3 and somehow between then and now he must have met his soul mate and deleted his profile. I’m heartbroken, I really thought he was “the one”…
I am a us army by profession and my full name is Daniel Paul am 49 years old and im from usa, i am a widower, i am looking for woman to spend the rest of my life with…
Yes, I can tell he is really from the USA and not some country like NIGERIA because he felt the need to tell me he was from the “usa” and not some specific state, county or city (said the San Diego native now living in the “Greater Los Angeles Area”… now that I think about it, that is about as non-specific as being from the “usa”)
The point is, if you are going to tell a widow that you are a widower and your age is close to mine, give me more to work with. I’ve been widowed almost 10 years, and while I LIKE the idea of being in a long term, committed relationship, I am not so sad and pathetically lonely that I am going to throw a bunch of money at the first random email on dating site that reads, “i am looking for woman to spend the rest of my life with…”
Fine Tarzan, meet me at 8. I’ll be the one wearing the “Support the Troops” bumper sticker across my right thigh.