Men, please take a summer class in grade school English skills

Seriously. If your basic English skills are not at least on the level of a 3rd grader you kind of deserve whatever you get… Unless English is not your first language, then you get a pass, but OMG some of these profiles are just painful to look at…

Today’s winner – The problem I have is that this profile reads like a second grade child saw too many John Hughes movies and then wrote a profile for his daddy.  Proof reading, Spell Check and a friend to read it for you should be the triple crown standard.
Guys, no woman is going to believe a profile that waxes on about love and best friends. When a woman is craving that kind of schmaltz we will pick up a smutty romance “novel”. Be honest, but don’t be “too” honest. If you love sunset walks on the beach and cry every time you watch the movie Ghost, that is awesome, but let us discover that about you in person. I love a man that has a romantic soul, but this profile screams “trying toooooooo hard and desperate” to me.

Well, either that or it’s another Nigerian scam profile…
Buckle up kids, this might be a bumpy ride…

“My self-summary

I feel im a good man with a lot of love to give. I believe it’s ok to be friends first in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with getting to know someone. I enjoy talking to different people. Love can be found anywhere, even in the strangest places, if you’re open-minded enough to let love find you… I’d like a good woman in my life, so that we can experience happiness together.
What I’m doing with my life

Growing & changing into the man my parents want me to be, striving to better myself.
I’m really good at

Listening, appreciating people,being there for my friends & love one’s if I can help.
The first things people usually notice about me

Im a positive person & thinker. I get along well with people. Polite & respectful.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

I like exciting fiction & romance novels. Im into good action movies. TV, Surviver, latenite shows . Music, R&B,.Jazz. Food, bbq, seafood, pasta & health food.
The six things I could never do without

Family, real friends, God, my Mother & Father, Grandma!
I spend a lot of time thinking about

How im a individual who spends a great deal of his time wondering why he’s not happier. I have found that the only thing that does bring me some form of happiness, is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.
.
On a typical Friday night I am

Relaxing, reading a nice book. Talking to family members, catching up.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Anytime I watch a sad, heartfelt, or sentimental movie, I cry like a baby. I inherited that side of me from my mom. Thanks.”

Miss Adventures in Dating ~ ehr mer gerd, they found me on Faceberk!

My Facebook profile is locked up tight. If you find and stalk me all you will find out is that I am female and widowed. I woke up to this gem in my inbox this morning. The time stamp is 2:55 AM. Let me tell you something about messages that are sent between the hours of 11 PM and 5 AM, the chances are high that the person sending the email is either drunk, high, or not in your country of origin. (Or they work the night shift and are bored and Facebooking from their smart phone… but what are the chances of that?)

And Dear Nelson, if you have two pet dogs I sure hope to god they live with you!! Unless of course, your ex-wife got them in the divorce, and if she is that nasty and spiteful, well that’s more drama than I want to deal with anyway! Not to mention the fact that Austin, TEXAS is a hella long ways from Cali (YES, I’m from So Cal, and yes I say “hella”). I have lots of friends all over the country and the world. I even have friends in Texas. But random emails was not how our friendships started. Maybe you need to stop getting drunk and emailing random people on websites asking to be friends. Or maybe, just maybe, you need to find another form of employment in Nigeria that does not involve wasting my time 🙂

xoxo

Agent 867 ❤

 

“Hi,I am Nelson from Austin Texas.I came across your profile,You caught my attention.I want to be your friend.Distance do not matter in friendship/relationship.I have two pet dogs who live with me but Life is lonely to live alone or without having someone to talk with.i will write more and tell you about my self and send you more of my pictures when you write back to me.God bless you. Regards Nelson”

Winner, winner, chicken diner! Miss-Adventures in Dating is back

Well it’s been a while, but I haven’t had much inspiration or fodder to share of late… I was actually so disappointed that I haven’t checked my account in forever. I found this gem waiting in my inbox on 4/9, it was sent on 4/3 and somehow between then and now he must have met his soul mate and deleted his profile. I’m heartbroken, I really thought he was “the one”…

“hello dear

I am a us army by profession and my full name is Daniel Paul am 49 years old and im from usa, i am a widower, i am looking for woman to spend the rest of my life with…

best regards
Daniel ”

Yes, I can tell he is really from the USA and not some country like NIGERIA because he felt the need to tell me he was from the “usa” and not some specific state, county or city (said the San Diego native now living in the “Greater Los Angeles Area”… now that I think about it, that is about as non-specific as being from the “usa”)

The point is, if you are going to tell a widow that you are a widower and your age is close to mine, give me more to work with. I’ve been widowed almost 10 years, and while I LIKE the idea of being in a long term, committed relationship, I am not so sad and pathetically lonely that I am going to throw a bunch of money at the first random email on dating site that reads, “i am looking for woman to spend the rest of my life with…”

Fine Tarzan, meet me at 8. I’ll be the one wearing the “Support the Troops” bumper sticker across my right thigh.

Miss Adventures in Dating – The Hit – And – Run Emailer…

 This guy has a match percentage of 10% (and I think that is only because he is male), he hails from New York, New York, everybody say hello (I wonder what his country of origin is, something just feels “off”, but I have to admit, he snapped my head around at the usage of the word “quintessential”… he even spelt it correctly!!) Continue reading